Welcome to Adulthood

“Miss?” My head snaps in the direction of the reception desk where a curly blonde woman in a blue aviator uniform complete with 1950s spectacles sits. She glances in my direction as I stand, others around me in the waiting room … Continue reading

Drinking Alone

They say the first step to knowing that you’re an alcoholic is drinking alone and loving it. Oops. Well fuck that. I’m here to tell you my expierence a with a few of these.

Vodka: stomach pains, depression, tired as fuck

Rum: damn I am hot, damn I am a good dancer, I’m gonna hook up with somebody anybody I don’t care.

Birthday Cake vodka: damn getting older, can I just not?

Tiquila: (my favorite) SO DAMN HAPPY let’s go everywhere and love and dance and fuck being a bitch and work cuz this is good. More more more I am a Mexican.

Wine: I feel classy as fuck. Hell we are classy ladies. Let’s laugh like Marie Antoinette and drink more.

Beer: why am I drinking this again? I hate this. This is strictly for baseball.

Still have much more to expirament with.

War of the Mind, Body, & Soul

Depression when it starts getting bad is like a fork in the road for me. Eventually the two roads meet at the same stop sign forcing my in a static position seemingly unable to live, move, or breathe. Playing sad music and sitting in the shower for hours so unable to even get the tears that tear my head to pour out. writhing in a pain in the mind some believe to be fake. 

Depression is a selfish disease, I know it is. It kills me that I do this to my family and friends and I only wish they could lock me away in a tower and live their lives happily without my dark cloud invading their days. One of the roads takes me down the path of giving. I’m guilty so I give and I give until I have nothing, until I feel utterly empty. My muscles tense in my back and I stare back at the reflection of what’s left. I wish to make myself small and unnoticeable like a ghost. whisping my way through and out of this selfish world. 

The other path is the one full of selfish desires, unmet. When something goes off plan, when I collapse inside my shell of unworthiness, when my confidence is knocked, and when I doubt every fiber of my being. each pain feels the same and leads to the same place. It’s being almost a routine, hard to break like an addiction of sorts. I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I love the depression, sometimes I hate it. How can you hate something you created? You can’t. I think that’s why it eats at us so much. We love it and we nurture its needs revolving our lives around the depression. It becomes a part of our lives and that’s why it becomes so hard to break free. 

I like to think of depression like a backpack. full of memories ( good and bad), full of emotions and thoughts. For many of us, its something we grow up with something that fills up as we age and experience. It gets heavier and heavier and stitched into our skin pushing us closer and closer to the ground. For some it’s dropped upon them, forcing them instantly to the ground, as family and friends try to help them back to their feet.

There is hope though. There is a way out, Acceptance. Agree, but be the master of it. You ultimately control it. Although many times it doesn’t feel that way. It’s YOUR body and YOUR mind. When you feel a panic attack coming stop what your doing find a quiet place and try to silence your mind. take in the outside. look around you look at the details of things look at other people. Say I am worthy. When someone else has hurt you look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am going to be a good person for me. I am going to be healthier for me. When you’re in a bad place close your eyes and remember a time where things were wonderful feel that memory in your soul and find the strength to fight. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s ok to fall off the path as long as you pick yourself back up again and step forward and be heathly because you want to. No one can really tell you how to feel better. It’s the strength you need to draw from inside. Find what you love and pursue it. 

Life moves pretty fast, If you don’t stop and look around for awhile, You might miss it. 

In general I feel Independent, but on Days Like This..

It’s the days like this where I really feel the need for someone else in my life. For a true love of sorts. Someone to hold me when I’ve had a stressful day and break down. The days that make me feel as though I don’t want to be apart of a crumbling world with demons everywhere at every turn. I need someone to love me; be a tie to the Earth and make me want to breathe again. Someone to grab me before I jump, hold me in their arms, sitting in silence. our minds speak as they quiet my sobs and let me know that everything is going to be ok and this is not the end. I am not alone.

I Wish I Could Be Drunk All The Time.. With No Consequences

I love me when I’m drunk. 

I’m suave. 

charming

sweet

interesting

intelligent 

and I ALWAYS know what to say

I don’t feel so much pain 

I don’t feel so anxious. 

I feel free

and perfect

and pretty. 

It’s made sober so damn fucking difficult. 

Everything I do now is followed by wow this would be 10x better drunk. 

It’s like I get to sit back and give control to someone else. 

something else.

It takes over and gives me a break. 

It sooths my aching 

muscles 

heart  

soul. 

It tells me to relax and sleep

It gives me the opportunity to leave and never return. 

But I know I have to hold on to the string. 

just for now. 

One though

One day I will be able to let go

fall into the abyss

and fly.

I can’t be in a relationship right now

I can’t be in a relationship right now, because I can’t care for you. I can’t give you everything. 

I will push you away. I will want to be alone all the time. I will snap at you. I just can’t put the energy needed for a good relationship right now. 

I can’t do it. 

I need to heal myself. I need to fix myself. I can’t fix you unless I fix myself. I cannot take care of you, If I cannot even take care of myself. 

No matter how much I want you. No matter how much I want to meet you and hold and kiss you. In the current state I would ruin it. 

You only get one shot, I cannot ruin my only shot because I’m a little sad. 

So now I’m gonna go out and drink and give out free love. 

But only a little at a time. 

Only for a night. 

You will get the best I promise. 

I promise it won’t be long. I’ll be better soon. 

I promise.

In Medio

I’m not going to lie. 

There are good days.

And there are bad days.

Then sometimes,

There’s inbetween days

Fight away the dark 

Force the light;

And it just makes me so tired.

Too tired to eat. 

Too tired to sleep. 

Too tired to do makeup.

Hair 

Or Homework.

Too tired to check messages

The weather

Or the oven

Remaining motionless

Every piece on guard

Don’t touch

Every touch a knife 

Get away

Have to do this alone

 

War Inside 

Image

Why I Want to Be a Young Mother

There’s only so much pain a heart can take

before the broken vessels sow themselves up with wrenching memories

and cold nights

and sadness

the heart seems to lag contrary to a passionate roar.

there’s only so much pain a heat can take

before it closes its door to everything

holds on to the few perks of delight it has left

perfects that cold smile

devoid of all light

I want to be able to love my children

with every bit of my heart

I never want to be a broken mother

introducing a child into a broken world

I want them to feel love

I want them to feel

as many have lost the ability to.

thats why I want to be a young mother.

Cold

Image

 

Winter is when life sort of dies for a moment.

Everything gets quiet.

Some people cannot withstand the silence so they break out and scream and yell, distract themselves from the cool air seeping into their souls. 

Others embrace the cold quiet and let it in. 

Let themselves feel death for a moment. Sadness rushes in with flurries of rain frozen in time, opening up to show the beauty within entirely exposed. 

Sadness is beauty. 

It’s makes you feel and remember passion.

Spring comes and new ideals and ways fill what has died off. 

Death is a form of creation.