If There’s, One Thing You Should Know…

I guess it would be that I think about offing myself almost daily even though I’m the “Happiest I’ve ever been..”

It’s not really because I hate my life. I honest to goodness don’t. I wish I could give it to someone who deserves it more.

Someone who can handle it and not take it for granted.

I’ve tried to be that person… I really have.

But, the stress is never ending! There’s always something new to stress or over think about.

And I think that I over exaggerate the stressors so that I have a reason to kick the bucket.

I had a whole plan to get help… and now I’m becoming a nurse…

You can’t be a nurse with a mental health problem… it’s unheard of!

Sick/Crazy people don’t want to be in the hands of another crazy person! I mean really how is that helping them at all!

I can’t have a breakdown because then no one will hire me.

I wish I was just one of those normal girls… one of the girls that the people I (think) I love deserve.

One of those girls who twist my insides until they rupture with jealousy.

It’s all so dumb too. Jealousy is dumb. mental illness is dumb. people are dumb.

Just send me to Mars with the rest of the people who obviously aren’t just going to try to live on Mars just for science and discovery, pleassseee! Let’s get real.

It’s a suicide mission. At least the people get to off themselves and go down in the history books as heroes, whereas if you run you’re car into a pole and they realize you weren’t on something you’re just another name family name ended, a pointless existence swept away with the dust, and another body taking up precious Earth.

Cold

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Winter is when life sort of dies for a moment.

Everything gets quiet.

Some people cannot withstand the silence so they break out and scream and yell, distract themselves from the cool air seeping into their souls. 

Others embrace the cold quiet and let it in. 

Let themselves feel death for a moment. Sadness rushes in with flurries of rain frozen in time, opening up to show the beauty within entirely exposed. 

Sadness is beauty. 

It’s makes you feel and remember passion.

Spring comes and new ideals and ways fill what has died off. 

Death is a form of creation.