The Future

the future at 5:
I want to be a singer and live in a mansion and have lots of friends and lots of pets and oh I can’t wait!

the future at 9:
I love science and I want to be a vet and help animals! But I won’t kill them because that’s too mean! I want to have lots of boyfriends and be married at 18 just like a Disney princess. I want to live in a big house and ewh never have kids but I want 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a rabbit! Oh I can’t wait!

The future at 15:
I hate science and math! I want to create movies and be a celebrity in Hollywood. I want to write scripts and direct movies! I want to get married at 25 ooh maybe to that cute guy I met in history class, please! I have the best friends ever and I want to grow old with them. I want to live in a huge house and have lots of kids! Oh I can’t wait!

The future at 16:
Maybe, films are harder than I thought and maybe I’m not really cut out for that. I really love sociology and psychology! Maybe I’ll be a psychologist or something! I don’t need any man to make me happy, boys are stupid! But, I still want 4 kids! And maybe just 2 dogs and cat and a medium sized house. Oh I can’t wait.

The future at 18:
I want to die and move on. The world has nothing left for me. I have no talent and no passion. I have no capacity for love nor trust. I have no money and no friends. I’m a disgrace and a pain on my family. The world would be better If I just moved on. Oh, I can’t wait..

How do things change so quickly.

Cutting is Not a Cry for Help

It really isn’t.
Well, maybe for some people it is, but I’m not here to talk about those people. I’m here to talk about those of us that do it because well…

It makes us able to see the pin that’s inside of us exterior. It makes us able to visualize the pain and the hurt and put in into an external place. It makes us feel something other than the pain in our hearts and in our brains. It keeps us locked to the ground and feel. It isn’t asking for help or trying to get attention in fact when I do cut it’s seldom in the same place and very rarely on my wrist unless I make it look like an accident.

I’m not promoting cutting in fact I’m trying to look for other ways to output pain. It is a terrible thing and can leave you with scars you will surely look back and regret. I regret mine, and it’s a sad addiction for the ones who are too young to drink or smoke. Please don’t start and please get help if you already have scars and are looking for a way to quit. You’re too good to waste. One and Only. At least I hope that’s not just all bullshit.

Drinking Alone

They say the first step to knowing that you’re an alcoholic is drinking alone and loving it. Oops. Well fuck that. I’m here to tell you my expierence a with a few of these.

Vodka: stomach pains, depression, tired as fuck

Rum: damn I am hot, damn I am a good dancer, I’m gonna hook up with somebody anybody I don’t care.

Birthday Cake vodka: damn getting older, can I just not?

Tiquila: (my favorite) SO DAMN HAPPY let’s go everywhere and love and dance and fuck being a bitch and work cuz this is good. More more more I am a Mexican.

Wine: I feel classy as fuck. Hell we are classy ladies. Let’s laugh like Marie Antoinette and drink more.

Beer: why am I drinking this again? I hate this. This is strictly for baseball.

Still have much more to expirament with.

7 Honest Pieces Of Wisdom For High School Graduates

love this.

Thought Catalog

Freaks and GeeksFreaks and Geeks

If the recent activity on my Facebook newsfeed is any indication, it looks like a whole bunch of you kids have just graduated high school. Congratulations on completing the easiest part of life. Nevertheless, every chapter in life, no matter how juvenile, presents a learning opportunity. Here are some little pearls of wisdom for all of you who have just taken the plunge into actual adulthood:

1. Take, at least, two years to just do you.

This is the time in your life to be selfish. Find your direction, seize opportunities, and do it for you and no one else. Go to college. Travel. Get a job. Pick up a new hobby. Use this time to really figure out what path is yours. This is not the time to make decisions that involve another person; I’m talking about jumping straight into a serious relationship of any kind…

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Titanic

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I am the titanic. On the vast ocean blue. 

people stare and think 

Big 

Tall 

Intimidating 

Beautiful 

Odd 

Many think because they see me this way nothing can hurt me. I am invincible in their eyes. 

but it takes a small mistake

a small scratch

a broken piece 

to send me in a downward spiral, to tear me apart. to rip out my insides, to fall apart and become nothing but dust. 

Never judge a book by it’s cover. 

 

Love is Created by Two People

I’ve been one to have many doubts about love. 

For valid reasons, I’m a skeptic; three generations of divorce and deceit, a heart that has been taped back together too many times, and being used like a gas station bathroom in the middle of Nevada. 

I was thinking about love today and what it really means to me. 

I want a baby I can already feel the love that I have the ability to give a child. The warmth and pure beauty of holding something that my body had created in my arms. 

Then it hit me. 

A baby in which I had CREATED. Something/Someone that I brought to this World. 

We, naturally as humans, Create. We write, think, perceive, dance, sing, speak.

We LOVE our CREATIONS. 

So what if love is a creation?

A Creation that takes two individuals to create over a lifetime.

A creation that takes effort, A creation that needs revisions, A creation that requires certain skills, A creation that makes you happy, A creation that makes you sad, A creation that brings you comfort and a place in this vast universe. 

A creation that requires two people; when it is put on the shoulders of one it falls apart. When the creation can’t seem to come together and it becomes time to let go and create something new, something better.

Love is a Creation. 

Go Create, but remember not all creations are masterpieces. Make sure to know when yours isn’t right for you and when you need to put more effort into it. 

A painting didn’t come together without a paintbrush, canvas, and the will for the painter to pick up the brush and begin the creation. 

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War of the Mind, Body, & Soul

Depression when it starts getting bad is like a fork in the road for me. Eventually the two roads meet at the same stop sign forcing my in a static position seemingly unable to live, move, or breathe. Playing sad music and sitting in the shower for hours so unable to even get the tears that tear my head to pour out. writhing in a pain in the mind some believe to be fake. 

Depression is a selfish disease, I know it is. It kills me that I do this to my family and friends and I only wish they could lock me away in a tower and live their lives happily without my dark cloud invading their days. One of the roads takes me down the path of giving. I’m guilty so I give and I give until I have nothing, until I feel utterly empty. My muscles tense in my back and I stare back at the reflection of what’s left. I wish to make myself small and unnoticeable like a ghost. whisping my way through and out of this selfish world. 

The other path is the one full of selfish desires, unmet. When something goes off plan, when I collapse inside my shell of unworthiness, when my confidence is knocked, and when I doubt every fiber of my being. each pain feels the same and leads to the same place. It’s being almost a routine, hard to break like an addiction of sorts. I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I love the depression, sometimes I hate it. How can you hate something you created? You can’t. I think that’s why it eats at us so much. We love it and we nurture its needs revolving our lives around the depression. It becomes a part of our lives and that’s why it becomes so hard to break free. 

I like to think of depression like a backpack. full of memories ( good and bad), full of emotions and thoughts. For many of us, its something we grow up with something that fills up as we age and experience. It gets heavier and heavier and stitched into our skin pushing us closer and closer to the ground. For some it’s dropped upon them, forcing them instantly to the ground, as family and friends try to help them back to their feet.

There is hope though. There is a way out, Acceptance. Agree, but be the master of it. You ultimately control it. Although many times it doesn’t feel that way. It’s YOUR body and YOUR mind. When you feel a panic attack coming stop what your doing find a quiet place and try to silence your mind. take in the outside. look around you look at the details of things look at other people. Say I am worthy. When someone else has hurt you look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am going to be a good person for me. I am going to be healthier for me. When you’re in a bad place close your eyes and remember a time where things were wonderful feel that memory in your soul and find the strength to fight. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s ok to fall off the path as long as you pick yourself back up again and step forward and be heathly because you want to. No one can really tell you how to feel better. It’s the strength you need to draw from inside. Find what you love and pursue it. 

Life moves pretty fast, If you don’t stop and look around for awhile, You might miss it.