“Miss?” My head snaps in the direction of the reception desk where a curly blonde woman in a blue aviator uniform complete with 1950s spectacles sits. She glances in my direction as I stand, others around me in the waiting room … Continue reading
He told me he loved me.
I was prepping to get out of the car and he said wait I want you to read something and I said now? and he pulled my door shut and dug into the compartment to pull out the leather bound notebook I gave him for Christmas. Tears weld in my eyes, a part of me knew, but I wasn’t scared. I didn’t want to run, I just wanted to stay, stay in the moment forever. The note was addressed to me, he shut off the radio and I read every beautiful word written down on that page, slightly mad and a bit distracted like his beautiful mind is, little inside jokes and him telling me a little thing about those three words, I looked up at him and he says, turn the page. There it is, top of the page simple as day, I can’t remember if he said it aloud or if his voice filled my mind as I read the three most beautiful words off the notebook page. I turned to him and said I love you too, and I’m not saying it drunkenly this time! we both giggled and he said it again and I said it and I wanted to say it first again so I said it again and I mussed out the thank yous and words that would never tell him how much he meant to me and how much those beautiful words meant to me.
I think sometimes when you’re with someone great, someone who’s your best friend, your boyfriend, and your confidant, you just feel love earlier, I had caught myself almost telling him I love him multiple times, way too early but I meant it. Isn’t that just absolutely crazy?!
Anyway, now I’m rambling, but I just wanted to let all you lonely hearts out there that it is possible for everyone and it is real and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been hurt, if you’ve been left behind, if you have divorced parents, if you’re depressed or anxious or whatever, because somebody loves you and when you’re ready and when you’re happy with yourself and your life, they will find you and fit right into place ready to take the world by storm with you.
Unresolved Promises forgotten Words left up in the air You never told me our time was up We just faded out A candle left running in an empty room Light extinguishes, darkness engulfs the space that you left I’ve bent … Continue reading
Well. It’s that time again. See, every few years everyone in my life walks out. I thought it was me, then I thought it was them. I figure now that it just must be the way life is. The swinging … Continue reading
the future at 5:
I want to be a singer and live in a mansion and have lots of friends and lots of pets and oh I can’t wait!
the future at 9:
I love science and I want to be a vet and help animals! But I won’t kill them because that’s too mean! I want to have lots of boyfriends and be married at 18 just like a Disney princess. I want to live in a big house and ewh never have kids but I want 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a rabbit! Oh I can’t wait!
The future at 15:
I hate science and math! I want to create movies and be a celebrity in Hollywood. I want to write scripts and direct movies! I want to get married at 25 ooh maybe to that cute guy I met in history class, please! I have the best friends ever and I want to grow old with them. I want to live in a huge house and have lots of kids! Oh I can’t wait!
The future at 16:
Maybe, films are harder than I thought and maybe I’m not really cut out for that. I really love sociology and psychology! Maybe I’ll be a psychologist or something! I don’t need any man to make me happy, boys are stupid! But, I still want 4 kids! And maybe just 2 dogs and cat and a medium sized house. Oh I can’t wait.
The future at 18:
I want to die and move on. The world has nothing left for me. I have no talent and no passion. I have no capacity for love nor trust. I have no money and no friends. I’m a disgrace and a pain on my family. The world would be better If I just moved on. Oh, I can’t wait..
How do things change so quickly.
It really isn’t.
Well, maybe for some people it is, but I’m not here to talk about those people. I’m here to talk about those of us that do it because well…
It makes us able to see the pin that’s inside of us exterior. It makes us able to visualize the pain and the hurt and put in into an external place. It makes us feel something other than the pain in our hearts and in our brains. It keeps us locked to the ground and feel. It isn’t asking for help or trying to get attention in fact when I do cut it’s seldom in the same place and very rarely on my wrist unless I make it look like an accident.
I’m not promoting cutting in fact I’m trying to look for other ways to output pain. It is a terrible thing and can leave you with scars you will surely look back and regret. I regret mine, and it’s a sad addiction for the ones who are too young to drink or smoke. Please don’t start and please get help if you already have scars and are looking for a way to quit. You’re too good to waste. One and Only. At least I hope that’s not just all bullshit.
depression can feel like sinking into the deep sometimes Continue reading