Depression when it starts getting bad is like a fork in the road for me. Eventually the two roads meet at the same stop sign forcing my in a static position seemingly unable to live, move, or breathe. Playing sad music and sitting in the shower for hours so unable to even get the tears that tear my head to pour out. writhing in a pain in the mind some believe to be fake.
Depression is a selfish disease, I know it is. It kills me that I do this to my family and friends and I only wish they could lock me away in a tower and live their lives happily without my dark cloud invading their days. One of the roads takes me down the path of giving. I’m guilty so I give and I give until I have nothing, until I feel utterly empty. My muscles tense in my back and I stare back at the reflection of what’s left. I wish to make myself small and unnoticeable like a ghost. whisping my way through and out of this selfish world.
The other path is the one full of selfish desires, unmet. When something goes off plan, when I collapse inside my shell of unworthiness, when my confidence is knocked, and when I doubt every fiber of my being. each pain feels the same and leads to the same place. It’s being almost a routine, hard to break like an addiction of sorts. I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I love the depression, sometimes I hate it. How can you hate something you created? You can’t. I think that’s why it eats at us so much. We love it and we nurture its needs revolving our lives around the depression. It becomes a part of our lives and that’s why it becomes so hard to break free.
I like to think of depression like a backpack. full of memories ( good and bad), full of emotions and thoughts. For many of us, its something we grow up with something that fills up as we age and experience. It gets heavier and heavier and stitched into our skin pushing us closer and closer to the ground. For some it’s dropped upon them, forcing them instantly to the ground, as family and friends try to help them back to their feet.
There is hope though. There is a way out, Acceptance. Agree, but be the master of it. You ultimately control it. Although many times it doesn’t feel that way. It’s YOUR body and YOUR mind. When you feel a panic attack coming stop what your doing find a quiet place and try to silence your mind. take in the outside. look around you look at the details of things look at other people. Say I am worthy. When someone else has hurt you look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am going to be a good person for me. I am going to be healthier for me. When you’re in a bad place close your eyes and remember a time where things were wonderful feel that memory in your soul and find the strength to fight. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s ok to fall off the path as long as you pick yourself back up again and step forward and be heathly because you want to. No one can really tell you how to feel better. It’s the strength you need to draw from inside. Find what you love and pursue it.
Life moves pretty fast, If you don’t stop and look around for awhile, You might miss it.